2 Timothy 4:16-17 (NIV84) – At my
first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me
strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the
Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered
from the lion’s mouth.
by Carley Cooper
 |
| Free Source Photo - No Copyrights Claimed |
Remember your
favorite superhero’s from when you were a kid? For that matter, maybe they still are your fave's. That's totally cool, if that's the case. Every kid played superhero’s with their siblings and friends. Growing up I lived in a rather isolated area,
I had brothers to play with and I didn’t have many close friends to hang with;
so I was the only girl most of the time.
That meant, while my brothers were Superman or Spiderman, I always played
the part of Wonder Woman. She was and is my favorite female superhero.
The only superhero
that never seemed possible was the Invisible Man. That’s because we couldn’t become
invisible. My brother always figured
that we could just pretend he’s invisible.
I never understood that because the fact was I really could see
him. Pretending only works if there’s a
little bit of truth behind it somewhere.
It never occurred to us that I should play an invisible person. Maybe it should have since my own truth has
always been that I feel invisible to everyone.
If I did, maybe it would have helped me workout some of these
issues.
I’ve been doing a
lot of reading and research in recent months about my own mental health issues
because I need the information for the book I’m writing. I talk a lot in my blogs about Bipolar Disorder (BPD),
but there are other issues that I deal with as well. In the past few years, I’ve experienced Panic Anxiety Disorder (PAD); with several full blown panic attacks. Wow, that was a shocker, and super scary the
first time it happened to me. However, the big issue that I have dealt
with my whole life; the one that’s always been there, is Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) (also called Social
Phobia). Granted, back then, when I
was a kid, they didn’t know it was a problem, let alone a disorder that needed
attention and treatment. My first panic
attack, insolently, happened about two and
half years ago while I was at church, and I never understood why it
happened at that time. Unlike most
social events; that day, I wasn’t feeling super stressed.
In my research, I
have learned that there are studies showing abnormalities in the brain
chemistry of people with SAD. However,
that’s only half the problem. The other
half is believed to be learned
behaviour. The latest medications available
have been very successful in treating SAD, especially when combined with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which helps to change thinking patterns.
Also, as part of
my research, I watched a documentary on SAD.
In it, a man called James said, in reference to his SAD, “I felt a lot of times like a freak, just
because of this. I mean, how can I be…
be, I mean, so afraid of other people?
I’ve never heard of that.” He
goes on to say “There’s always outsiders
in every high school but I felt like I was on the outside of the outsiders
because I was just completely alone with everything that I was going through. And everything I went through, it was tough
seeing other people having at least some… even one friend just to get through
it all with. I didn’t fit in with the
other kids and all that so… I had a lot of bad experiences just getting through
high school.”
James is me; and we both are like every other
per person with SAD. Young children with
this disorder sometimes completely shut down and can’t talk as a result. James’
words resonated within me to the very core of my bones. I have always felt like a freak and an
outsider, and that I am alone. In my
mind it’s as though I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one sees me or
hears me. Then when people say things
like “Just pull yourself up by your boot
straps”, or “Just look at the bright
side”, I am made to feel that I have
no right to be heard. I feel like it
means I am broken for feeling the way I do, and as such it means I messed up...
again! Our loved ones often don’t want
to learn about the disease. Whatta ya do
when your family, or friends, don’t want to know more; so they can get along with
you, or save the relationship? I don’t
know. I am invisible.
For example, I
was in a situation with a friend, that I’ll call Jamie, that was very
upsetting. The stress from this problem caused
me to have a bad Bipolar episode that lasted about three months. It was the longest and worst episode that I had
in a very long time. I asked Jamie if we
could get together and talk about it.
So, I penciled in the get-together on my calendar. In doing so I realized that I should make an
attempt to put some accountability into this situation. So, I confided in a third person; another
friend, that I’ll call Bailey. I believe
that Bailey’s heart was in the right place but the truth is the advice I got
was not necessarily good. Bailey told me
that, what I believe to be God talking to me was not; and that it is only the
thoughts in my head. In reality, no one
can know that except me and God. The
enemy was using the situation, my disorders, and my friends against me. I felt hurt, confused and rejected because I
know that certain things are indeed God talking to me. As someone who doubts so much just because I
know the nature of SAD and BPD, a seed of fear was planted. Bailey went on to say that the list of
questions that I had regarding the original problem with Jamie, that never got
answered for me, did not exist, that they were all in my mind. I was left feeling more disoriented than I
started out to be.
In both SAD and
BPD, sufferers often have great difficulty learning how bond with others in lasting
relationships. And because of the
isolation that accompanies SAD, often the opportunity doesn’t present itself
for many years, if at all. In my mind,
it seemed that neither of my friends wanted to understand my mental health
issues. SAD and BPD both mean that I am
wired to overreact. What a ‘normal’
person sees as a baseball-sized situation of stress, SAD and BPD suffers see as
a beach-ball sized situation. Even if
the ball isn’t that size, we see it that size and experience the interaction
with it in that size. We are reacting to
a situation that really is that
big... in our own reality.
As such, I
realize I am not always sure I should believe what I am seeing or hearing (in good
situations, as well as bad). Both of my
friends told me I was just ‘over reacting’, and neither of them desired or
asked to know more, or let me finally ask the questions I needed answered. So, again, I felt like I was never given the
opportunity to be heard in the situation.
I came out the other end feeling like I was invisible and that my
feelings didn’t count; as such that I’m broken, un-forgiven and not lovable. The whole attempt at accountability caused me
to go into two more bad episodes (short ones, but it still took me days to
recover from them), and a feeling that I can’t confide in either of these two
anymore. As a result when I finally got
to see Jamie, with the intent on fixing things between us, everything went from
bad to worse because I went there with a fearful attitude and was asked to
leave before the discussion even got started.
Because I know
that I can’t trust what is happening around me, I really do forgive my
friends. Outsiders are not always aware
that they are witnessing the effects of mental health disorders. It’s not like I have a broken limb, where my
problem is obvious by a cast or crutches.
Mental health disorders are hidden inside the brain. Only the results are shown on the outside; if you know what you’re looking at. Though it can often take me some time to calm
down from the hurt I’ve experienced, I am certainly not going to hold a grudge
or blame anyone for reacting to something they weren’t aware was an issue. As for those who really are aware, and yet still
don’t care; well, I’m better off without them, because they do not have Jesus
in their hearts. Pastor Henry, at
church, has told me many times that “God
does not waste anything.” So, I know that my disorders, and my issues
relating to others will all be used for His glory and to bring me blessings, as
long as I keep my eye on Him.
Granted, despite all
this, I’ve come a very long way in my journey to overcoming SAD in the past
five or six years. Treatment has helped tremendously, but I still only feel
about 75% better, most of the time. The
best treatment, though, has been learning and seeing that I am not invisible to
God. Even the little things count to Him;
and even when the rest of the world is blind to my existence, I am still
visible to God, and He loves me and He wants to listen to me. In His eyes, I am not the Invisible Woman; I am a Wonder Woman. People
will always let you down. When everyone
else rejects, brushes you off, embarrasses, or ignores you; Jesus doesn’t. He’s the only superhero we need. Psalm 118:8-9 (NKJV) says “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. It is
better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes.”
~~ Dear God ~~ Please clear my mind of confusing and
untruthful thoughts that are placed there by the enemy. Please help me to always see every situation
as You it. I don’t ever want to place
any human being in a position of superhero in my life. That place is reserved only for Jesus. Thank You, Lord, that You see me as one of your Wonder children. Help those around me to see the effects of my disorders on the situations
and relationships in my life; and lift the stigma that the public has, in
general, toward those with mental illness issues. In Jesus name, AMEN.
Here’s something
I wrote a long time ago when I took part in a 30 day blog series, where each day was a different topic.
Today's topic: A
picture of your favorite super hero and why it's your favorite.
Hand's down, it's Wonder Woman! I like her because
she represents strong, self-assured, and independence in women. She's awesome.
I miss those old Wonder Woman shows on TV, with Lynda Carter. Growing up, this
was one of my favorite shows.
I even dressed up as Wonder Woman for Halloween
once, for my Girl Guide Halloween Party. I got first prize! Yeaaaaa! My costume
was so great (thanks to my wonderful Mommy) that it didn't even matter that my
hair is blonde rather than brunette.
I haven't participated in any Halloween parties in
almost 20 years. I have some adult friends that go to parties such as this all
the time. I don't go because none of the men in my life over the years were
interested; and this is one of those things that is best done as a couple...
the reason I don't go as a single woman.
Anyway, if I did, I think I'd still like to go as
Wonder Woman again. It might be fun to see that from an adult point of view, as
opposed to my teenage point of view before. I'd dye my hair this time, though,
with some of that temporary hair color. The only thing I never figured out was
that spin thing to change my clothes. I'll have to keep working on that! :-D
Wanna know the story behind the creation of Wonder
Woman?... Click this link to see a video telling the story. Cool!
Here she is, Lynda Carter, the only ‘real’ Wonder Woman.
