Hebrews 4:16 (NIV) says “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
About two years ago I had my worst Bipolar episode. It lasted for six months, and I honestly didn’t think I was going to survive it. My life was totally out of control. It’s a typical trait that Bipolar Disorder patients have a hard time making and maintaining relationships. I said things during this time to, and about, people that have damaged relationships beyond repair.
Many other behaviour problems are also typical; like quitting medications and refusing to listen to the doctor. During this bad stretch, I did this many times. I changed meds so many times that I lost count. Most of those times was because I quit taking what the doctor had prescribed for me before giving it a real chance to know if it was going to work or not. At the time, I really thought I knew best. I judged according to how I felt at the time to know if I wanted to quit the current medication. I thought I was being pro-active and taking control of my own health issues.
I Thought I Knew Best
However, things got so bad for me that I could no longer make my own decisions. I was in the doctors office one day when I told him that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. I finally figured out that I could no longer trust my own opinions when it came to medications and other treatments.
The doctor asked me “Do you want me to take control? Will you finally listen to me?”
“Yes” I said.
I came to this point because I felt backed into a corner and I had no choice but to hand over control. I didn't really do it willingly. Since then, I’ve followed my treatment plans exactly as prescribed. I don’t miss appointments. I don’t quit or skip taking my medications. I’m following the advice of the one who is trained and has the experience it takes to know what’s best. As a result, my life and my health has been stable. I’m able to function well, and I’m even beginning to be productive again. So much that I’m going to be starting my own small business soon. I wasn’t able to do that before. People around me have mentioned how much I have changed. My whole world and my mind has slowed down to a “normal” pace. Life is good. My heart and mind can even hear God’s voice so much better now.
Controlling Your Own is a Facade
I realized the other day, that our relationship with God often starts out the same way as my relationship with my doctor. I lived a sinful life that didn’t include Jesus. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I believed I was happy. I thought I was living well, and in control. I didn’t see anything wrong with how I lived, and the things I did.
However, my life eventually spiralled out of control. It got to the point that I remember one day being at home in my apartment, and screaming, through my tears, at the top of my lungs at God.
“What do you want from me?” I yelled. “Please take this from me. I can’t do it any more.”
From that moment my life started to change. I started to change. Granted, just like with the doctor, I didn’t give up control easily. I felt that I was backed into a corner and I didn’t have a choice. I still didn’t see what was wrong with me. To truly repent of your sins means you have to give up your own selfish needs and desires. I didn’t truly understand what this meant. I couldn’t see why I had to change. There was nothing wrong with me that couldn’t be fixed by changing other people, circumstances, or the world.
The Doctor Knows Best
Slowly, as God led me, I changed. My life changed. I developed a relationship with Him. Now, I’m not sure what it was I wanted to hold on to so badly. When I let the doctor take control of my health, things improved. When I let God take control of my life, things got better. Why did my stubborn mind and heart have to try to hold on to control and my own way of doing things for so long? Truthfully, I’m not sure. But I’m so glad that I let the Greatest Physician, the God who created the universe, take control of my life. Who’s in control of your life?
Dear God ~~ Your love is so great and merciful that we cannot truly understand it. Thank You for such amazing and never ending love. Please take control of my life and lead me. I want to follow no one but You. I pray in Jesus name, AMEN
Now It’s Your Turn
Thoughts? Questions? Want to share your story? Ask for prayer? Please share in the comments section.
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