Battling the Dragon

~~ John 13:34 (NIV84) ~~  A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

---

by Carley Cooper

Microsoft Office Copyright Free Images

I have a habit of referring to my Bipolar Disorder as a roller coaster.  The up swings (or Mania periods) are great.  I feel good about myself and my energy is turbo charged; the whole world looks wonderful.  However, it’s called Bipolar for the reason that there are two sides.  The other side being the depression side, or what is often referred to as ‘The Dragon’.  I think the hardest part about being Bipolar isn’t even the never-ending roller coaster ride; it’s how much I dislike myself when I’m in the down swings.  It’s emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.  When I’m in that dark place, I believe bad things about myself, and if someone tries to tell me different I don’t understand how they could see things so differently.  When I’m not in that place, I not only can understand my friends views but I can’t understand how I could have believed those horrible things about myself.  My own thoughts suddenly look irrational.

A few years ago I had a roommate that suffered from depression.  It was my first time living with someone else who had it.  I was able to see things from the other side of the fence; a view I never had before.  I was on the outside looking inward at it; not my usual view of being inside and struggling to see out.  My heart ached to help my roommate, and all my efforts to reach out were rejected because he didn’t see them as sincere.  That hurt me because I really did want to help.  I wanted so much to make it all better. 

Something similar happened recently when I was chatting with my friend, Maria (not her real name) on a Sunday morning at church.  We were in our large church lobby surrounded by many people coming and going who weren’t paying any attention to us chatting.  Maria was sharing about her experiences with depression, and now she thinks bad things about herself when she’s feeling that way.  I related to her feelings so well, because it’s how I feel when I’m battling the dragon.  She said that she wonders if she’s a real Christian, or if others talk about her, or are rejecting her.  She has a problem trusting others or reaching out for help.  I felt like she was telling my story with those points.  My heart went out to her.  I wished I could just give her one hug and take away all her pain.  I understood her, yet at the same time I couldn’t understand her logic, or why she would think such a thing.  She’s beautiful and she touches my heart.  Both her and her husband make my day when I see them because they always welcome me with a big smile and a warm hug.  Another friend, Margaret (also, not her real name) walked by with a smile and  a quick “Hello” to me.  Maria wondered why Margaret didn’t say hello to her.  She thought it was a sure sign of rejection.  I assured her that it was because Margaret knew about my recent struggles.  I talk to Margaret sometimes for advice and have shared some details that I wouldn’t normally share with just anyone.  It was just a friendly smile of support.  Nevertheless, Maria was so sure of what she was feeling.  I realized just how hard it is, and how frustrating it must be for others who try to help me see the light when I’m unable to.  When I am not in the dark place, I am aware that the dragon is indeed the enemy.  When I am fighting the beast, I fall for the lies that he tells me.  I believe him when he whispers lies; such as others don’t love me, I am not worth it, or I should leave my home and find someone who ‘really’ does love me.  Thankfully, my mania periods have never gotten out of control on the opposite end of the scale; but he certainly takes advantage of my health issues on the down side of the spectrum. 

Jesus commands us to love one another as He loved us (John 13:34 and John 15:12 (NIV84)).  He also commands us to love others as ourselves (Mark 12:31 NIV84).  In a about an hour one morning a few days ago, these verses crossed my path from different sources.  I knew instantly that God was trying to remind me of how much He loves me.  Not only that but I am to love myself as much as I am to love others.  Think about that for a minute.  We are commanded to love ourselves and forgive ourselves.  God loves us.  So, much that He sent His Son to die for us to make sure that we are forgiven.  It’s already  a done deal, as long as I’ve asked Jesus into my heart to be my Saviour; which I have.  So, why then, is it so hard sometimes for me to see myself as God does?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why is it that we often feel that it is so much easier to love and forgive others, and yet we cannot allow ourselves the same benefit?  If Jesus loves me that much, surely I can accept the gift.  So can you!  I have to stop fighting the dragon in battles when the war has already been won. 

         

---

~~ Dear God ~~  Thank You for the Easter celebration we just had, which reminds us of the gift of salvation that You gave us through the sacrifice of Your Son, Jesus.  It is a gift that we are not truly capable of being able to fathom.  Lord, I know that the war has been won.  Please help me to walk away from the dragon.  To continue fighting him is pointless.  I do not want to risk my own salvation because of my own insecurities which cause me to hold on to self hatred, and the unwillingness to forgive myself.  Father, I ask you to not only continue reminding me daily, or even hourly if I need it, of how much You love me; but I also ask for my friend ‘Maria’.  She needs to see the light as well that she is a beautiful person who is so very loved by her church family as well as You.  Thank You, Lord.  In Jesus name, AMEN.

---

I Think I Just Saw An Angel!

~~ Psalm 91:11-14 (NIV84) ~~  For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.  You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.  “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

---

by Carley Cooper

Photo by Carla Cooper
One of many Angels in my collection
All Copyrights Reserved

 This is the third article in my series about Angels.  In the first post (Angels From Heaven) I talked about how people in our lives can be like angels sent by God to help us.  I shared a poem I wrote to someone special in my life who has been like an angel for me.  In the second article (Who Is Your Guardian Angel?) I talked about how God has given us angels, celestial beings, to protect us; to keep us from  danger.  Sometimes, if we are paying close enough attention, we will even get to see our angels as they’re digging us out of a pit that we got ourselves into!  My friend and author, Paul Duarte, experienced this first hand; literally!  As a Worship Melodies Guest Author, he shared his personal true story of being rescued by an angel from a situation that could have been fatal, on a cold winter day. 

Being a good friend, or rescuing us from our own messes aren’t the only purposes for angels in our lives.  Sometimes they are also sent to us to assist God in redirecting our paths after we’ve wandered into dangerous territory.  They help to prevent something terrible from happening in the future.  I have my own angel story about a day when an angel lifted me out of a very bad place.

It happed one day, several years ago; before I was an obeying and practicing Christian; before I knew the Holy Spirit or had a relationship with Jesus.  Even though I wasn’t living the life of Christianity; I did believe that there was a God, and I did believe that there was a man named Jesus who died for me.  If you’ve been a regular reader of my posts for quite some time, you’ll know that I am Bipolar.  I don’t hide it.  I talk about it freely because more people need to know that mental illness is not something to be afraid of; but that’s a whole other blog.  For that matter it’s a whole other book! 

Well, one night I was in the midst of a very bad depression episode.  It was one of the worst I’ve had.  Today, well, I no longer go to this dark place, because Jesus has rescued me.  That’s not to say that I’m totally cured... yet!  Back then, though, when I was in this dark place I would pray to God.  I’m not sure I ever really thought it was going to do anything for me realistically.  However, when I needed it the most and I had nowhere else to turn, I figured it couldn’t hurt.  Of course, back then most of my prayers were prayers of petition.  I just asked for things from God either for myself or others.  I never gave back to Him or worshiped Him. 

As I mentioned, on this particular night in question I was at the end of my tether.  I felt completely alone and I literally had no hope left inside me.  I  was to the point where I didn’t want to live.  Even, with this in my heart, and not knowing God; I also knew that doing something desperate to myself was not the answer.  I believed that no matter how bad things looked, hurting myself would only make it worse.  So, for that reason I was, literally, up all night crying and begging God to let me leave this world.  I begged Him “Please don’t let me see the morning light”.  I figured that asking Him to do it for me, would get me out of the mess that doing it myself would cause.  Of course, now that I’ve seen the light and I can think more logically, I can see the flaws in this kind of thinking. 

Well, the morning came, and I was still here.  With that in mind, I knew that the day must go on.  My first order of business was an errand to the bank.  I had a financial issue that couldn’t wait, and I had to actually go to the bank to resolve the problem.  But, I got there early.  It was about ten minutes before opening time.  So I stood in the mall outside the bank door waiting for it to open. 

Standing closer to the door, than me was an older lady with a walker.  I saw her there, but I didn’t speak to her.  She was short; maybe five feet tall.  She appeared to be in her late sixties; and white hair that was short with large loose curls. 

After a couple of minutes another lady walked in from outside.  She stood next to me as though she were waiting in line for the bank as well.  She looked at me like she knew me; but I didn’t recognize her as anyone that I had ever seen before.  I’m not good at remembering names, but I am very good at remembering faces, so if I knew her I’m sure I would have recognized her face.  She was about five and a half feet tall, and looked to be in her mid sixties.  Her hair was shades of grey; salt and pepper type.  It was straight and about shoulder length, curled slightly in around the bottom; and straight bangs cross the front.  She was wearing a dark-red cardigan sweater and a white, or light colored, blouse. 

She simply said to me “Do you have the time?”

It bothered me that she asked for the time.  I don’t know why, but I felt angry and irritated.  I tried not to show it though, and I looked at the time on my phone and told her what it said.  After a couple more minutes, the doors to the bank were opened.  All three of us that were waiting, walked into the bank.  There were several tellers on duty; more than enough to serve all of us . 

I was the one to walk the fastest, I am assuming, because of my younger age and much longer legs.  So, I was the first in line.   However... this did not sit well with the little old walker lady.  She came at me practically waving that thing and rushing to the first teller ahead of me screaming “I was here first, you’re not going to butt in line ahead of me”.  

It shocked me.  I would not have expected that to happen.  She looked so frail and sweet before.  My mind was still in a state of surreal after the night I had just lived through.  It took every ounce of energy that I had, plus some that I didn’t know I had, to hold back my tears and appear normal in a public place.  Having a feisty old lady in front of me at the bank would normally not be something that bothered me.  On a normal day, I probably would have laughed at it.  That day, though; that little incident was bigger than anything else I had ever had to handle.  It was enough to push me over the edge.  The surprise I got literally took my breath away for a minute.  I stood there with my mouth open in surprise not knowing if I should or could say anything without crying; or worse. 

In that minute, the third lady standing behind me; the one who asked me the time stepped closer to me.  She put her right hand on my right shoulder.  I turned my head to look at her.  She leaned in close to me, as if she were about to whisper something.  I simply heard a soft “Shhhhh.  Shhhhh”.  No other words were spoken.  In that instant, I felt the most overwhelming wash over my body.  I felt an instant, there was a warmth and sense of peace.  I stepped up to the teller, took care of my business and walked out of the bank.  I went home and had a good day. 

I don’t know if this lady was an angel, or just some kind old lady who was very intuitive.  I did not look back as I walked out of the bank; so I don’t know if she would have still been there if I had looked back.  I just know that God used her to bring me back from the edge.  From the edge of what?, I have no idea.  What would have happened to me, or what I may have done, or how I would have reacted if she hadn’t touched me; I do not now.  Literally, God only, knows!  Either way, she was an angel sent to me that day and I will be eternally grateful to both her and God.

---

~~ Dear God ~~    I have so many things to thank You for.  You are so awesome, and Your love is so great that “Thank You” hardly seems sufficient.  Thank you for the angels, of all types, that you send to rescue me.  Thank you for not letting me fall into the pit of darkness where I could be lost forever.  Thank you for the journey that I have travelled that has brought me into a relationship with You.  I am so thankful to You that I dedicate my whole life to serving You.  I am Yours.  But, who am I that my sinful soul and broken body could be of value to You?  Yet, it is because You gave Your Son to save me.  Thank You.  Please use me in whatever place that will help Your will to be done, and to advance Your kingdom.  In Jesus name, AMEN.

---

The Truth

John 14:6 (NIV84) - Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. “

---

Photo by Carley

Do you ever wonder about your own belief system?  What I mean is; how do you know that what you know as reality is actually ‘The Truth’?  What is the foundation for what you ‘know’?  Is it your own judgement?  How do you know that you can trust your own perception?  If your reality is a deception, then it is not possible for you to be aware that you are being misled.  It is only by being outside of that experience that you can see the whole picture.

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression.  I do not try to hide that because it is not something to be embarrassed about, despite the attitude of a large percentage of society.  A cancer patient would not be ashamed to have to go for chemotherapy, just as a diabetic would not be humiliated to have blood sugar levels out of whack.  They may be scared, frustrated, angry, or any number of other emotions; but there is no need for shame.  They did not ask for these health issues.  Mental health issues are the result of physical issues within the brain.  It is not a choice, a sin, a crime, a weakness, or a character flaw. 

During the worst of my bipolar episodes, confusion often will set in.  I start to doubt many things.  My trust in anything and everything goes out the window.  I have even doubted and been confused about the circumstances that I see happening around me.  This is a terrifying place to be; especially when one feels alone in the world, which I often do.  This is a misperception, of course, but at the time it is as real as the trees, the sky and the wind around me.  I argue that it is true.  It is not until the incident is over that I am aware of what is genuine; that I have many people who love me.

I read an article recently by a newspaper that has a mission to tell the ‘Truth’; yet all the articles within are anti-Christian / anti-religious and they very proudly support sinful living.  What do they base their evidence of ‘Truth’ on?  Mine is based on the solid Word of God.  Through all of the confusion that I have suffered there is one ‘truth’ that I have never doubted even for an instant.  This is the fact that Jesus is The Truth.  He told us that “I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me “.   Sometimes I wonder; whose reality is more clouded?

---

~~ Dear God ~~ Thank You for the sacrifice of Your Son, Jesus so that we may be with You in Your glorious kingdom.  Please do not let me ever forget this reality.  For all those who have not yet seen the veil lifted, please show them the Light so that they may be led out of the darkness and see the Truth.  In Jesus name, AMEN.

---