Battling the Dragon

~~ John 13:34 (NIV84) ~~  A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

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by Carley Cooper

Microsoft Office Copyright Free Images

I have a habit of referring to my Bipolar Disorder as a roller coaster.  The up swings (or Mania periods) are great.  I feel good about myself and my energy is turbo charged; the whole world looks wonderful.  However, it’s called Bipolar for the reason that there are two sides.  The other side being the depression side, or what is often referred to as ‘The Dragon’.  I think the hardest part about being Bipolar isn’t even the never-ending roller coaster ride; it’s how much I dislike myself when I’m in the down swings.  It’s emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.  When I’m in that dark place, I believe bad things about myself, and if someone tries to tell me different I don’t understand how they could see things so differently.  When I’m not in that place, I not only can understand my friends views but I can’t understand how I could have believed those horrible things about myself.  My own thoughts suddenly look irrational.

A few years ago I had a roommate that suffered from depression.  It was my first time living with someone else who had it.  I was able to see things from the other side of the fence; a view I never had before.  I was on the outside looking inward at it; not my usual view of being inside and struggling to see out.  My heart ached to help my roommate, and all my efforts to reach out were rejected because he didn’t see them as sincere.  That hurt me because I really did want to help.  I wanted so much to make it all better. 

Something similar happened recently when I was chatting with my friend, Maria (not her real name) on a Sunday morning at church.  We were in our large church lobby surrounded by many people coming and going who weren’t paying any attention to us chatting.  Maria was sharing about her experiences with depression, and now she thinks bad things about herself when she’s feeling that way.  I related to her feelings so well, because it’s how I feel when I’m battling the dragon.  She said that she wonders if she’s a real Christian, or if others talk about her, or are rejecting her.  She has a problem trusting others or reaching out for help.  I felt like she was telling my story with those points.  My heart went out to her.  I wished I could just give her one hug and take away all her pain.  I understood her, yet at the same time I couldn’t understand her logic, or why she would think such a thing.  She’s beautiful and she touches my heart.  Both her and her husband make my day when I see them because they always welcome me with a big smile and a warm hug.  Another friend, Margaret (also, not her real name) walked by with a smile and  a quick “Hello” to me.  Maria wondered why Margaret didn’t say hello to her.  She thought it was a sure sign of rejection.  I assured her that it was because Margaret knew about my recent struggles.  I talk to Margaret sometimes for advice and have shared some details that I wouldn’t normally share with just anyone.  It was just a friendly smile of support.  Nevertheless, Maria was so sure of what she was feeling.  I realized just how hard it is, and how frustrating it must be for others who try to help me see the light when I’m unable to.  When I am not in the dark place, I am aware that the dragon is indeed the enemy.  When I am fighting the beast, I fall for the lies that he tells me.  I believe him when he whispers lies; such as others don’t love me, I am not worth it, or I should leave my home and find someone who ‘really’ does love me.  Thankfully, my mania periods have never gotten out of control on the opposite end of the scale; but he certainly takes advantage of my health issues on the down side of the spectrum. 

Jesus commands us to love one another as He loved us (John 13:34 and John 15:12 (NIV84)).  He also commands us to love others as ourselves (Mark 12:31 NIV84).  In a about an hour one morning a few days ago, these verses crossed my path from different sources.  I knew instantly that God was trying to remind me of how much He loves me.  Not only that but I am to love myself as much as I am to love others.  Think about that for a minute.  We are commanded to love ourselves and forgive ourselves.  God loves us.  So, much that He sent His Son to die for us to make sure that we are forgiven.  It’s already  a done deal, as long as I’ve asked Jesus into my heart to be my Saviour; which I have.  So, why then, is it so hard sometimes for me to see myself as God does?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why is it that we often feel that it is so much easier to love and forgive others, and yet we cannot allow ourselves the same benefit?  If Jesus loves me that much, surely I can accept the gift.  So can you!  I have to stop fighting the dragon in battles when the war has already been won. 

         

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~~ Dear God ~~  Thank You for the Easter celebration we just had, which reminds us of the gift of salvation that You gave us through the sacrifice of Your Son, Jesus.  It is a gift that we are not truly capable of being able to fathom.  Lord, I know that the war has been won.  Please help me to walk away from the dragon.  To continue fighting him is pointless.  I do not want to risk my own salvation because of my own insecurities which cause me to hold on to self hatred, and the unwillingness to forgive myself.  Father, I ask you to not only continue reminding me daily, or even hourly if I need it, of how much You love me; but I also ask for my friend ‘Maria’.  She needs to see the light as well that she is a beautiful person who is so very loved by her church family as well as You.  Thank You, Lord.  In Jesus name, AMEN.

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Shattered Treasures

~~ Isaiah 40:29-31 (NIV84) ~~  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

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by Carley Cooper

Photo by Carley.  All copyrights reserved.

I used to own a tall glass curio cabinet.  It was about six feet high, two and a half feet wide, and one and a half feet deep.  It attacked me one day! 

The basic frame was wood but the doors and sides were glass, and the back of the cabinet was a large mirror.  Inside were five or six glass shelves.  I had this thing filled to its limits with all sorts of treasures.  I mean, it was packed!  Every piece in it was made of some sort of glass, ceramic, porcelain or crystal.  There was everything from wine glasses, to ornaments; and some special things that I had collected or had been given as gifts over my lifetime. 

No one told me there was a weight limit on a glass shelf.  Someone should have posted a warning sign.  I opened the door one day to put something inside on the top shelf, and the shelf collapsed.  Then, so did the next one underneath and the one under that one all the way to the bottom.  In the matter of seconds, the glass shelving and all the items inside showered out of the cabinet onto me, and down the floor in pieces around me. 

I screamed and my boyfriend, Paul, came wobbling over to see what the noise was.  He was a disabled guy so he couldn’t move fast.  He looked me standing there in my bare feet, shorts and a tank top surrounded by a huge pile of broken glass.  Thankfully I didn’t get any cuts, but it was only by the grace of God that I didn’t.  Paul had warned me at least a thousand times that if I didn’t start wearing shoes he was going to staple them to my feet.  Footwear on a regular basis was an issue for me, but I wished this day that I would have listened to him.  I just looked at him in the midst of my dilemma and started to cry.

“Don’t move a muscle” he said.  

He went to get some clean up supplies and I waited for him to rescue me from my predicament.   When it was all cleaned up I managed to salvage a few items; but most were completely useless because they shattered.  I ended up with a big box of broken glass to throw in the garbage.  So many of my special things were tossed into the trash dumpster outside our apartment building, and I was so disappointed.  What good are they if they’re broken?

Have you ever felt like one of those broken treasures that was tossed out because it was broken?   I have.  I feel it all the time.  How many things in your life have broken you?  My shattered pieces come from  a lot of abuse, divorce, Bipolar Disorder, addictions, loneliness, self hatred, a number of childhood traumas, social phobia, a lot of illness (especially as a child), the pain of being childless (not by choice) in a world built for parents; and so much more.  Before I knew the concept of having a relationship with Christ, I led a very worldly and sinful life.  Paul and I didn’t work out as a couple; but we are still good friends.  Despite our issues, I have always been thankful that he never rejected me because of my brokenness.  For the same reason I felt I had no right to reject him because of his disability.  Who am I to say what is broken or what is acceptable? 

There are many others who have judged me or rejected me because of things I’ve said or done; because of my brokenness.  The pain is overwhelming.  Truthfully, I am still learning how to deal with it.  People no longer want to be a friend; they stop loving me, they decide that they just want to wash their hands of me because I’m just not worth the trouble or that I come with too much history, or I am just too broken.  Well, I’m human.  That means I am broken.  Unless you were born yesterday, each and every one of us has a history which includes pain and suffering.  Not one of us has avoided hitting the floor to become shattered.  God made us to have relationship with each other; and it is necessary for a full productive, healthy life and spirit.  However, I can’t depend on others to rescue me every time I get in the midst of a chaos.  Though, I can’t help but wonder why it seems, sometimes, that I have a special talent for getting into so many mess’s.  Anyway, letting go of the need for the approval of others is one of the hardest lessons I am learning; but then, they are all hard lessons, or they wouldn’t be worth learning. 

Others may judge me harshly at times, but my own personal battle is that I judge myself even harder.  When I am down and broken I blame myself, and beat myself up the most.  I am hardest on myself always.  Why is that?  I’m not sure I know the answer really, but I think many of us are like that.  I do know that it’s about learning to forgive.  I can and have forgiven other people for many bad things.... everything from betrayal by a loved one to forgiving my abusers.  But, forgiving myself seems to be a much harder task to accomplish.  I have learned, though, that I never stop striving to get closer to Jesus.  I want to be like Him so much.  I have found a strength and determination inside myself that I never would have known was there if I hadn’t found Jesus.  Then, again, without Jesus in my life, it wasn’t there.  Pushing myself beyond my limits and the willpower to never quit has become a blessing more times than I can count.  It is overwhelmingly exhausting; but I have found that it is necessary, and a challenge that makes me feel very good once I’ve reached the goal. 

The most important thing that I have to remember though is the point that Jesus is carrying me.  I am not alone.  It is His approval that I need, not that of others.  He has great plans for my future.  If I have a dream, it’s because He put it there.  If I can’t let it go, it’s because He is constantly reminding me not to; and He does keep reminding me.  The pattern is there.  The stubborn and impatient part of me is sometimes fearful that it may not happen (those would be some fruits of the Spirit that are still works in progress in my life).  That’s when the enemy tells me lies such as it is all my fault, that I’ve messed up way too many times, that I have crossed that ‘line of no return’.  I should have known better, I tell myself.  I am stronger than that.  There is no excuse for not pushing harder, no matter how hard I already pressed forward.  There is no reason why I have to be broken.  If I wasn’t so broken, I wouldn’t be in this mess; maybe someone would love me.  But, Jesus does not reject me no matter how broken I am, and even when everyone else does.  He knows my history; even before it happened, yet He loves me anyway.  No matter how much I cry, or how many temper tantrums I throw, or how many pieces I am broken into; He loves me anyway.  As a matter of fact He dries my tears, He lets me be crabby and comforts me; and He tells me that I am a treasure and has already forgiven me!  His comfort is that even though I am broken it doesn’t matter.  I am still useful because He can fix it!   

How many people have rejected or judged you for something?  Have you hit rock bottom?  It’s a very cold and lonely place, isn’t it?!  Was there anyone to save you?  Reach up to take Jesus’ hand.  He loves you the same way.  He knows what you’re going through.  He is there to save and fix you always.  This video below is a song written and performed by my friend Chris Blakley.  It is called I May Be Down.  It has helped get me a very rough patch lately.  Listen to the lyrics.  It will tell you all that you need to know.  You can’t give up.  Don’t let anyone or anything keep you down.  Hold on to Jesus and that relentless drive inside to keep pushing forward.  For me, sometimes that means I have to sit and listen to this song over and over for half the afternoon before the message sinks in; but I don’t ever quit!

Hey friends, do me a favor if you would be so kind... Go to Chris's YouTube page, click 'Like', leave him a positive message and tell him Carley sent you!

(If you’re in the Barrie, Ontario area and would like to see Chris sing or preach; he will be in town once per month on a Sunday evening.  Email me and I’ll give you the deets to come out and join in the worship time.  Or, if you would like to get in contact with Chris for CD's, email me and I will put you in contact with him.  For my contact info see my Contact page).

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~~ Dear God ~~  Thank You for never giving up on me.  I am never permanently broken, never defeated, never rejected with You.  Thank You, Jesus; for the strength, courage, hope, drive, determination, passion to never give up.  And thank You for the hope.  Please, do not ever let me lose it.  ~I pray in Jesus name, AMEN.

Oh, and one more thing, Lord... on a more personal note, thank You for Chris and all that he does for us here in Barrie.  Please continue to provide him with the resources he needs to come to see us every month.  Thank You for his talent, his incredible energy, his love for Jesus, his gift for preaching and this awesome song You gave him.  Please let it be as much of a blessing to many others as it has been to me.  ~I pray in Jesus name, AMEN.

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