~~ John 13:34 (NIV84) ~~ A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
by Carley Cooper
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I have a habit of referring to my Bipolar Disorder as a roller coaster. The up swings (or Mania periods) are great. I feel good about myself and my energy is turbo charged; the whole world looks wonderful. However, it’s called Bipolar for the reason that there are two sides. The other side being the depression side, or what is often referred to as ‘The Dragon’. I think the hardest part about being Bipolar isn’t even the never-ending roller coaster ride; it’s how much I dislike myself when I’m in the down swings. It’s emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. When I’m in that dark place, I believe bad things about myself, and if someone tries to tell me different I don’t understand how they could see things so differently. When I’m not in that place, I not only can understand my friends views but I can’t understand how I could have believed those horrible things about myself. My own thoughts suddenly look irrational.
A few years ago I had a roommate that suffered from depression. It was my first time living with someone else who had it. I was able to see things from the other side of the fence; a view I never had before. I was on the outside looking inward at it; not my usual view of being inside and struggling to see out. My heart ached to help my roommate, and all my efforts to reach out were rejected because he didn’t see them as sincere. That hurt me because I really did want to help. I wanted so much to make it all better.
Something similar happened recently when I was chatting with my friend, Maria (not her real name) on a Sunday morning at church. We were in our large church lobby surrounded by many people coming and going who weren’t paying any attention to us chatting. Maria was sharing about her experiences with depression, and now she thinks bad things about herself when she’s feeling that way. I related to her feelings so well, because it’s how I feel when I’m battling the dragon. She said that she wonders if she’s a real Christian, or if others talk about her, or are rejecting her. She has a problem trusting others or reaching out for help. I felt like she was telling my story with those points. My heart went out to her. I wished I could just give her one hug and take away all her pain. I understood her, yet at the same time I couldn’t understand her logic, or why she would think such a thing. She’s beautiful and she touches my heart. Both her and her husband make my day when I see them because they always welcome me with a big smile and a warm hug. Another friend, Margaret (also, not her real name) walked by with a smile and a quick “Hello” to me. Maria wondered why Margaret didn’t say hello to her. She thought it was a sure sign of rejection. I assured her that it was because Margaret knew about my recent struggles. I talk to Margaret sometimes for advice and have shared some details that I wouldn’t normally share with just anyone. It was just a friendly smile of support. Nevertheless, Maria was so sure of what she was feeling. I realized just how hard it is, and how frustrating it must be for others who try to help me see the light when I’m unable to. When I am not in the dark place, I am aware that the dragon is indeed the enemy. When I am fighting the beast, I fall for the lies that he tells me. I believe him when he whispers lies; such as others don’t love me, I am not worth it, or I should leave my home and find someone who ‘really’ does love me. Thankfully, my mania periods have never gotten out of control on the opposite end of the scale; but he certainly takes advantage of my health issues on the down side of the spectrum.
Jesus commands us to love one another as He loved us (John 13:34 and John 15:12 (NIV84)). He also commands us to love others as ourselves (Mark 12:31 NIV84). In a about an hour one morning a few days ago, these verses crossed my path from different sources. I knew instantly that God was trying to remind me of how much He loves me. Not only that but I am to love myself as much as I am to love others. Think about that for a minute. We are commanded to love ourselves and forgive ourselves. God loves us. So, much that He sent His Son to die for us to make sure that we are forgiven. It’s already a done deal, as long as I’ve asked Jesus into my heart to be my Saviour; which I have. So, why then, is it so hard sometimes for me to see myself as God does? Why am I so hard on myself? Why is it that we often feel that it is so much easier to love and forgive others, and yet we cannot allow ourselves the same benefit? If Jesus loves me that much, surely I can accept the gift. So can you! I have to stop fighting the dragon in battles when the war has already been won.
~~ Dear God ~~ Thank You for the Easter celebration we just had, which reminds us of the gift of salvation that You gave us through the sacrifice of Your Son, Jesus. It is a gift that we are not truly capable of being able to fathom. Lord, I know that the war has been won. Please help me to walk away from the dragon. To continue fighting him is pointless. I do not want to risk my own salvation because of my own insecurities which cause me to hold on to self hatred, and the unwillingness to forgive myself. Father, I ask you to not only continue reminding me daily, or even hourly if I need it, of how much You love me; but I also ask for my friend ‘Maria’. She needs to see the light as well that she is a beautiful person who is so very loved by her church family as well as You. Thank You, Lord. In Jesus name, AMEN.
