~~ Isaiah 40:29-31 (NIV84) ~~ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
by Carley Cooper
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| Photo by Carley. All copyrights reserved. |
I used to own a tall glass curio cabinet. It was about six feet high, two and a half feet wide, and one and a half feet deep. It attacked me one day!
The basic frame was wood but the doors and sides were glass, and the back of the cabinet was a large mirror. Inside were five or six glass shelves. I had this thing filled to its limits with all sorts of treasures. I mean, it was packed! Every piece in it was made of some sort of glass, ceramic, porcelain or crystal. There was everything from wine glasses, to ornaments; and some special things that I had collected or had been given as gifts over my lifetime.
No one told me there was a weight limit on a glass shelf. Someone should have posted a warning sign. I opened the door one day to put something inside on the top shelf, and the shelf collapsed. Then, so did the next one underneath and the one under that one all the way to the bottom. In the matter of seconds, the glass shelving and all the items inside showered out of the cabinet onto me, and down the floor in pieces around me.
I screamed and my boyfriend, Paul, came wobbling over to see what the noise was. He was a disabled guy so he couldn’t move fast. He looked me standing there in my bare feet, shorts and a tank top surrounded by a huge pile of broken glass. Thankfully I didn’t get any cuts, but it was only by the grace of God that I didn’t. Paul had warned me at least a thousand times that if I didn’t start wearing shoes he was going to staple them to my feet. Footwear on a regular basis was an issue for me, but I wished this day that I would have listened to him. I just looked at him in the midst of my dilemma and started to cry.
“Don’t move a muscle” he said.
He went to get some clean up supplies and I waited for him to rescue me from my predicament. When it was all cleaned up I managed to salvage a few items; but most were completely useless because they shattered. I ended up with a big box of broken glass to throw in the garbage. So many of my special things were tossed into the trash dumpster outside our apartment building, and I was so disappointed. What good are they if they’re broken?
Have you ever felt like one of those broken treasures that was tossed out because it was broken? I have. I feel it all the time. How many things in your life have broken you? My shattered pieces come from a lot of abuse, divorce, Bipolar Disorder, addictions, loneliness, self hatred, a number of childhood traumas, social phobia, a lot of illness (especially as a child), the pain of being childless (not by choice) in a world built for parents; and so much more. Before I knew the concept of having a relationship with Christ, I led a very worldly and sinful life. Paul and I didn’t work out as a couple; but we are still good friends. Despite our issues, I have always been thankful that he never rejected me because of my brokenness. For the same reason I felt I had no right to reject him because of his disability. Who am I to say what is broken or what is acceptable?
There are many others who have judged me or rejected me because of things I’ve said or done; because of my brokenness. The pain is overwhelming. Truthfully, I am still learning how to deal with it. People no longer want to be a friend; they stop loving me, they decide that they just want to wash their hands of me because I’m just not worth the trouble or that I come with too much history, or I am just too broken. Well, I’m human. That means I am broken. Unless you were born yesterday, each and every one of us has a history which includes pain and suffering. Not one of us has avoided hitting the floor to become shattered. God made us to have relationship with each other; and it is necessary for a full productive, healthy life and spirit. However, I can’t depend on others to rescue me every time I get in the midst of a chaos. Though, I can’t help but wonder why it seems, sometimes, that I have a special talent for getting into so many mess’s. Anyway, letting go of the need for the approval of others is one of the hardest lessons I am learning; but then, they are all hard lessons, or they wouldn’t be worth learning.
Others may judge me harshly at times, but my own personal battle is that I judge myself even harder. When I am down and broken I blame myself, and beat myself up the most. I am hardest on myself always. Why is that? I’m not sure I know the answer really, but I think many of us are like that. I do know that it’s about learning to forgive. I can and have forgiven other people for many bad things.... everything from betrayal by a loved one to forgiving my abusers. But, forgiving myself seems to be a much harder task to accomplish. I have learned, though, that I never stop striving to get closer to Jesus. I want to be like Him so much. I have found a strength and determination inside myself that I never would have known was there if I hadn’t found Jesus. Then, again, without Jesus in my life, it wasn’t there. Pushing myself beyond my limits and the willpower to never quit has become a blessing more times than I can count. It is overwhelmingly exhausting; but I have found that it is necessary, and a challenge that makes me feel very good once I’ve reached the goal.
The most important thing that I have to remember though is the point that Jesus is carrying me. I am not alone. It is His approval that I need, not that of others. He has great plans for my future. If I have a dream, it’s because He put it there. If I can’t let it go, it’s because He is constantly reminding me not to; and He does keep reminding me. The pattern is there. The stubborn and impatient part of me is sometimes fearful that it may not happen (those would be some fruits of the Spirit that are still works in progress in my life). That’s when the enemy tells me lies such as it is all my fault, that I’ve messed up way too many times, that I have crossed that ‘line of no return’. I should have known better, I tell myself. I am stronger than that. There is no excuse for not pushing harder, no matter how hard I already pressed forward. There is no reason why I have to be broken. If I wasn’t so broken, I wouldn’t be in this mess; maybe someone would love me. But, Jesus does not reject me no matter how broken I am, and even when everyone else does. He knows my history; even before it happened, yet He loves me anyway. No matter how much I cry, or how many temper tantrums I throw, or how many pieces I am broken into; He loves me anyway. As a matter of fact He dries my tears, He lets me be crabby and comforts me; and He tells me that I am a treasure and has already forgiven me! His comfort is that even though I am broken it doesn’t matter. I am still useful because He can fix it!
How many people have rejected or judged you for something? Have you hit rock bottom? It’s a very cold and lonely place, isn’t it?! Was there anyone to save you? Reach up to take Jesus’ hand. He loves you the same way. He knows what you’re going through. He is there to save and fix you always. This video below is a song written and performed by my friend Chris Blakley. It is called I May Be Down. It has helped get me a very rough patch lately. Listen to the lyrics. It will tell you all that you need to know. You can’t give up. Don’t let anyone or anything keep you down. Hold on to Jesus and that relentless drive inside to keep pushing forward. For me, sometimes that means I have to sit and listen to this song over and over for half the afternoon before the message sinks in; but I don’t ever quit!
Hey friends, do me a favor if you would be so kind... Go to Chris's YouTube page, click 'Like', leave him a positive message and tell him Carley sent you!
(If you’re in the Barrie, Ontario area and would like to see Chris sing or preach; he will be in town once per month on a Sunday evening. Email me and I’ll give you the deets to come out and join in the worship time. Or, if you would like to get in contact with Chris for CD's, email me and I will put you in contact with him. For my contact info see my Contact page).
(If you’re in the Barrie, Ontario area and would like to see Chris sing or preach; he will be in town once per month on a Sunday evening. Email me and I’ll give you the deets to come out and join in the worship time. Or, if you would like to get in contact with Chris for CD's, email me and I will put you in contact with him. For my contact info see my Contact page).
~~ Dear God ~~ Thank You for never giving up on me. I am never permanently broken, never defeated, never rejected with You. Thank You, Jesus; for the strength, courage, hope, drive, determination, passion to never give up. And thank You for the hope. Please, do not ever let me lose it. ~I pray in Jesus name, AMEN.
Oh, and one more thing, Lord... on a more personal note, thank You for Chris and all that he does for us here in Barrie. Please continue to provide him with the resources he needs to come to see us every month. Thank You for his talent, his incredible energy, his love for Jesus, his gift for preaching and this awesome song You gave him. Please let it be as much of a blessing to many others as it has been to me. ~I pray in Jesus name, AMEN.
