This isn’t my standard blog post. I’m not thinking about my writing rules, or
blogging edict. I don’t have a theme scripture
verse to quote because I don’t know which one apples. I just need to ask some questions; or maybe I
just that I need to vent. Today, as I
write this, I’m not sure I know the difference.
What should I do when I’ve tried to forgive those who hurt me,
and I really mean it in the pit of my heart; but they don’t forgive me in
return? I get angry at my hurt. But mostly I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve broken too many hearts in my lifetime. Everyone is disappointed in me. They don’t know, or want to know, how to help
me. Everything is broken, and they don’t
want it fixed. That’s how I know I am
not forgiven. I had a bad reaction meds
and it turned into a bad situation. As a
result everything is broken. They don’t
want to help me anymore. They don’t want
to be around me anymore. I know my
disorders have a long list of symptoms, some of which include not seeing things
as they are. But this has been going on
for half a year now. If it were all in
my mind, the truth would have shown itself somewhere by now. The place I love the most, and the people
there, want to wipe their hands of me.
I’ve not been in a good place lately. Love and support are as vital, if not more
so, than the correct meds. The bible
says we are made for relationship. I don’t
have a husband. I know that I have to be
obedient enough to get that blessing. I’ve
failed. In the mean time, my psyche
falls apart a little more each day because I don’t have the love connection in
my world that most others have.
I had some good support.
Then, as my doctor puts it, I was hit in the chest with a two by
four. I lost my support, and my health
issues have spun out of control. But, I’m
left with just me and my prayers to muddle through. I’ve lost count of the med changes. I’ve started having memory gaps. There was a time in my past about 8 or 10
years ago when that happened for a while; my state of mind was so bad that I
lost periods of time. Now, I find myself
in front of my computer, or in my room, or the kitchen, and I have no idea what
I’m supposed to do with this. I stare at
whatever it is in front of me and I have no idea what this is for or what I am
doing with it. One day this week, I
forgot the name of a guy I know. We
haven’t been close friends, but I know him.
We had one ‘date’ where we hung out at my place and watched a
movie. We often talk. I tried for several minutes to remember his
name, and in the end I had to look it up.
This memory gap is something that I thought left me years ago. Now it’s back. It’s a scary place.
What’s wrong with me?
Everyone wants me to will
myself better. They talk like I should
be able to do it. This tells me they
must have, or know people who have. I
can’t. So why not? What’s wrong with me?
I know that God forgives me. Does He believe me that I really forgive, or want to forgive, others? But what those about others? Do they forgive me? Do they believe me? Does it matter? What if I need it anyway, and I'm not getting it?
Forgive me for not being the courier of a great message,
today, that so many of you tell me you’ve come to count on. I really do love and appreciate all of
you. I hope I haven’t disappointed you
too much.
