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| Carla - Age 18 - St. John's, Newfoundland |
Have you ever wished you could go back and do things over again? I do not think I know anyone who has not said at least once in their lives “If I could go back and do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would do it so differently”. Maybe just to give yourself some advice would help so very much. The idea of writing your younger self a letter is hardly a unique one. I have read letters written by others to themselves and found them to be incredibly interesting, so I thought I would write one for myself. The process of gathering information and bits of advice; and forming them into this letter, was a lengthy one. It turns out, though, that this course has been as enlightening to me in the present day, as it would have been to my younger self, but for different reasons. It seems that I have come through a lot of trials and trauma in my life. I am a survivor. I have grown to be a person that is incredibly strong, and I have enough experience to give some very good and practical advice to someone younger. Most of all, I can see that I have grown, and am still growing, into a woman that I can be proud of.
Dear Carley,
Well, you are 18 now... legally an adult just starting your life. I want to give you some advice to prepare you for the life you are about to embark on. I know what your first thought is... “Who’s Carley?” Carley is you... me... us! It is what most people call you now. It started as a pet name with just a slight change from Carla, and it stuck. I let it happen because I like it, and I was on a journey to find and heal myself. I need to create the me that I always knew was inside somewhere longing to get out. She is the me in our dreams that few others have seen, and she got lost somewhere along the path tangled in the midst of a lot of pain. I felt that God gave me the new name to go with the new me. She is you, and one day she will be me again, only better than before. The journey we are on did not have to be as difficult as it has been, though I am learning to be thankful for it.
First; know that It is not only OK to be different, but it is cool. I know that you cannot begin to wrap your brain around that concept right now, but one day you will see that people who are all the same are not original. Being different makes you special... really! Let go of all the bad memories from school when the kids laughed at you, made fun of you, and said nasty things. They had their own hurt inside that they did not know how to deal with, and they took it out on you. This applies to anyone throughout your life who says mean things to you; and there will be others. It is not about you. Let go of the pain before the nightmares start and you need therapy to get rid of them. It is important to set boundaries for yourself; which you can do without being mean. Also, keep in mind that others cannot see things from your point of view. No matter what you say to others, they will not learn what ever lesson you are trying to teach them. It takes your experiences to create your point of view. Only you can ever have it.
When you get that letter from MUN, do not turn it down. You will regret it for the rest of your life. You do not need to know the whole plan for your life or what your major is before you start university. Many, if not most, believe it or not, do not know what they want to do even after they start college. You are not the only one who does not know. It will help you find yourself, and help you figure out what your dreams are. Dream big... do not limit yourself. There are people there who will help you. Do not focus all your attention on the one dream of becoming a Mother. It is the equivalent of chasing your own tail. Put it on the back burner. Some of your dreams will not come to pass in the format you hope for; and if you continue to push away all other ideas, your life will one day be derailed. Go to school. Choose something that will allow you to express your creativity. We love Interior Design (not Interior Decorating... turns out there is a difference); and toss in some business courses. Also you will grow to love writing. No matter what you do in life, business and writing will be useful. On the side, do some photography courses. It is so much fun! Do not delay dreams like sky diving, underwater diving; or taking lessons in music, singing or dancing. One day you will feel like it is too late. Oh, and correspondence programs are not the same. Do not settle for this.
Next, some things that I wish someone would have told me:
- Now that you have your license, get a car! Do not put it off.
- Travel. Go anywhere and everywhere. The world is not as scary as you think it is. I know that going to St. John’s at first was overwhelming and terrifying; but it does not have to be. Travelling is an adventure. Enjoy it.
- Read more - for at least 30 minutes each day.
- Eat right! Educate yourself on how to achieve and maintain a healthy body. Stay away from junk food, non-fat or low-fat anything (they are not as wonderful as the media will make you think they are). Avoid anything made with white flour, or anything that says ‘enriched’. Above all else avoid artificial sweeteners and processed foods. If it comes in a box or a bag, chances are you do not want it. Do your shopping in the produce and meat departments. Buy only whole-grain breads and such items... not whole-wheat! They are very important for good health. Always go organic when you can. Grab any opportunity to buy farm fresh unprocessed milk products. Store-bought dairy are filled with chemicals, preservatives, hormones, and antibiotics; all of which are dangerous, and will affect your health!
- Exercise. Every day! Working out does not mean sports! Go swimming, ride your bike; but you will find that power-walking is something you will fall in love with. Hold on to it. Oh, and do sit-ups daily, without fail.
- Wear a good support bra. Go to a good lingerie store and get yourself properly fitted for one. You are not wearing the correct size. Do not even bother to look at the price tag. Whatever it says, it is worth it!
- Do not mix money with friendship or family. The two just do not mix well so do not even try.
- When the time comes and you find yourself watching a lot of TV, turn it off! It is a nasty habit that was very hard for me to break; but now that I have I am so very thankful!
- Cut up the credit cards.
- Do not start taking antidepressants. You have a right to say no. Also, do not let them keep doing surgeries because of your ovaries. There are other options. Do not trust the advice of every doctor you see. Read, research and know your rights before accepting care from a doctor. Not all doctors know what they are talking about, even when they sound like they do.
- When Mom and Dad ask you to move to leave Newfoundland and go to Ontario with them; do not fight it. It will be one of the best decisions you will ever make. There is the most amazing world out there that you never imagined was there!
- Do not put Dad on a pedestal. The view is not a realistic one. You will never stop being Daddy’s little girl.
- Do not let Daphne and John, Charlene or Charlyse drift out of your life. You will need them one day, and if you do not stay in touch you will have no one to turn to. Life is lonely without friends.
- When, Graham comes along, know that you will be a best friends forever. Do not let anyone tell you that having a guy for a best friend is wrong. You will share a special friendship that so many do not get in their lifetime. One day when an argument gets out of hand, do not let him walk out the door without making up first. Ten years without him was much too long to wait to see my best friend.
- Shadow belongs with you. Do not let him go.
- Roommates – you will have quite a few. One named Lawrence is bad news! Do not go there.
- Learn to enjoy being alone. I know that is a concept that seems contradictory to you right now. Loneliness is painful; but it can also be a wonderful time of solitude. Learn to embrace that or it can eat you alive.
About men - do not believe everything that some sweet talking guy whispers to you... no matter how cute he is. The boyfriend you have right now is not as loyal as you believe him to be. Let that relationship go and move on. I know it is very hard sometimes to tell the difference between lust and love, but they are worlds apart. When you are young and know you are in love... you are not. Real love will come along when you are truly ready for it and there will be no doubt. Do not be so willing to give yourself to a man. It will not make him love you. In your twenties you will get an overwhelming amount of attention from men; especially on the beach and in bars, but beware, they are not chasing your heart. Before you get married, make sure he loves you as much as you love him. If there is any doubt, then getting married is the wrong thing to do. Stop worrying about the clock. There is no rulebook that says it has to happen by a certain age. It is better to wait than to end up in divorce court on your 30th birthday. Finally, do not ever, ever, ever, let any man abuse you physically, mentally, emotionally or financially. Do not give them power over you by falling for the guilt trips. Be strong.
Paul deserves a special mention. When he comes along, just know that his ego is just a facade to hide his big heart, but unlike most you will see through it immediately. He will break your heart more than you ever imagined possible, but do not let that stop you. You will share a bond that very few other couples in the world ever get to share; seriously! You will even have people commenting on it on a regular basis. Despite the heartbreak, the love is worth it.
Partying - drinking yourself stupid will not impress the kind of man you want in your life. Partying is fun, but you need to keep it in perspective. One day when Graham ties you to a chair and screams at you, listen to his message. Do not fight it. It will change the path your life is on. Too much booze will bring you a lot of trouble and heartache.
Of all the lessons that you will learn, of all the advice that you can get from me or others; the most important thing and the most important decision that you will ever make is to invite Jesus to live in your heart. Do it now! Do not put it off. Please look to God for all you need. God wants you to have a relationship with Him. Yes... a relationship with God! I know that does not make any sense to you now, but once you open your heart, truly, to Jesus, you will begin to understand. It will change your life. Even the world around you will start to look different... more alive somehow. God loves you! Being a Christian is not limiting. In fact, it is freedom. It’s awesome!
Once Jesus is the focus of your life you will learn many things, understand things with much more clarity and get many blessings. One of the greatest will be the gift of forgiveness. However, first you have to understand that it is something you do for yourself, not for others. This does not mean that you are telling them that what they did to you was OK; but truly forgiving opens up a whole world of new possibilities. Always choose caring over uncaring, giving over passing by, give the benefit of the doubt over criticism or gossip or judging. Do not lose faith in people. They will hurt you, but they also are hurting; it is not about you. Measure any kind of frustrations from others or indecisions by this standard... “Will this alter my life in 5 years from now... or even 1 year from now?” If the answer is ‘no’ then do not give it another thought. It is not important.
Keep smiling. You are beautiful. Please do not start hurting yourself because you think you deserve it for not being pretty. You are wrong. One day you will see that a lot of people will be telling you that, and they will mean it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I am a child of God. I am beautiful.” Then, believe it! Every time you hurt yourself, or belittle yourself, it hurts God. Do not let go of that bubbly personality that so many keep telling you is why they fell in love with you. If you hide her inside, one day you will not know how to let her out again. Life can get very lonely after that.
Do not ever quit! Hold on to your dreams. Follow your heart and do not be influenced by others; not even Mom and Dad. You have to live in your body and live your life. Do not ever hurt anyone to get there, but you have to make yourself happy first. Learn to push yourself... hard! You will come to treasure that about yourself. Do not let anyone tell you that Prince Charming does not exist, or that any of your dreams is not realistic. Anything is reasonable if you work hard and let God lead the way. Do not let anyone talk you into limiting yourself like that.
So, my wonderfully innocent and naive young self, if you take nothing else from this message, just remember these things... first, that person who was hurting you before is the bad person. It is not your fault. Repeat after me “it is not my fault”. You did nothing wrong. Next, invite Jesus to be the center of your world, and learn to dance in the rain; because the rest will take care of itself in God’s wonderful timing.
Love always,
Me
~~ Dear God ~~ I know that I cannot go back and change my life. I also know that no matter what plan I may have, what advice I may be given; that the plan You have already prepared for my life is the perfect path. Despite all the bad decisions, wrong turns, disobedience, and sin that have caused so much pain and trauma; I know that You are leading me on my journey. Thank You, Father for this journey. Please teach me with each and every step all the lessons that I need to know to get closer to You. Open my eyes and ears; along with my mind and my heart to be anxious, willing and able to receive the Holy Spirit. Make me a disciple for Jesus that will make You proud. In Jesus name, AMEN.
