~~ John 3:16 (NASB) ~~ For God so loved
the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him
shall not perish, but have eternal life.
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| Photo by Carley Cooper July 2012 - All rights reserved |
Picture
this: you’re exhausted, the world is way too loud and demanding lately, and you
finally arrive home. Ahhhh. Peace, comfort, and your own bed! This describes the average multi-tasking busy
person in our North American society.
What
if your Home was a Painful Place?
For some,
home means being controlled, isolation, insults, depression, walking on egg
shells; and often threats or horrible violence.
Church family can be vulnerable to snakes slithering in as well. Even in
God’s house the enemy can put himself in the midst of the worship, destroying relationships. Lots of people have
negative experiences with church, resulting in changing churches, or stop going
completely.
I used look forward to ‘Church Day’ all week long. Three years ago I found a church that is unique, solid in the Word, and accepted me into their midst. For the first time I was learning how to be
part of a community and how to develop a relationship with Christ. After a while there special friendships formed; one in particular stood
out. Then, I had some bad side effects
from a new medication, which caused some problems. The next thing
I knew, my ‘solid’ friendship changed without warning. He became someone I didn’t know and hurt me;
leaving me to feel confused, alone, rejected, and judged. Turning to others made things worse when I
heard “Sounds
like a pity party.” My tears stopped
in therapy when Doc said (while shaking a finger) “See, that’s proof that they don’t understand Bipolar Disorder.” Others changed
the nature of our friendships without discussing it; thinking I wouldn’t notice
the subtle changes. Doc said, “It’s blaming the victim. You did
nothing wrong.” Behind closed doors, my friend said he misses
me; yet won’t make a connection in public.
God does
not Waste Anything; Ever.
I’m left not knowing who or what is real.
I ran out of
service crying on Sunday morning because looking at him, not seeing any
compassion was just more than I could bear in that minute. Doc says he is “taking up residence” in my mind, but “not paying any rent.” The friend
I was sitting with said it appeared I had a panic attack. Maybe.
I’ve had them before. I told God I was
sorry for disappointing Him, and myself.
But, I am aware I am in this season for a purpose.
Nothing Compares
to the Joy of Knowing Jesus.
After service on Sunday someone said ‘You have a very soft heart.’ It’s often gotten me in trouble. I try showing him kindness at every
opportunity because that’s what we are called to do, but my questions go
unanswered. Doc says that I am
subconsciously relating this to the abuse in my past because control was taken
from me. Part of me concludes
I have to live for me; ignore pain. How do
I do this in a manner that is godly toward others? Going backward, now, is about as desirable as
the other guy’s donuts after having Timmy’s, or settling for mediocre
lover after having mind-blowing sex; or
worse, shopping for large sizes after living as a skinny person. I’ve experienced all of these things. The enemy says a hard heart will protect me. It’s tempting. But I’ve learned to love following Jesus. Letting Him go would be even more painful.
God will
Always Answer Prayer.
I can’t help but wonder; why don’t our lessons stick the first
time? ‘Standing back’ I can see a repeat
of certain lessons in a cycle that resembles the BPD cycles. Are they related? Probably; in part, anyway. The enemy is distracting me and using my
disorders to his advantage. I prayed,
again, for some enlightenment. God sent
me these messages:
- “Redemption can only come to those who are lost.” ~Stuart Mclean on the Vinyl Cafe
- “As we learn to laugh more and cultivate our God-given sense of humor, patience and the ability to deal with the difficult relationships in life will flourish.” ~ Mary Sutherland
- “Be true to what God has put in your heart and don't look to the left or to the right. Stay focused on what God says.” ~Joel Osteen Ministries
- “Do you serve God or do you serve your feelings? Believe the Word of God over and above your feelings.” ~Joyce Meyer Ministries
You Will be Victorious!
In an abusive household, the goal is to stop it or escape. Many abused women need help to get out safely
(If you are in a violent situation and
need some instruction; contact me
and I will email you an ‘Escape to
Safety’ plan.) We are called
to have a church family, to socialize and worship with like minded people (Hebrews 10:25 NIV). Even Jesus went to church regularly (Luke 4:16 NIV). I don’t want to be one to leave because I don’t
have motivation to hold my ground until the darkness ends. I’m tougher than that. So are you!
I know I am a member of Christ’s body; and I can’t be a functioning,
productive member if I cut myself off from that body (2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV). The world is filled with churches full of
flawed people. It’s why Jesus came; to
save us from our errors. In church
family the only danger is the enemy who has slithered in through a back door.
Like my biological family, I love my church family even though
they make me nuts sometimes. I know it
is where I’m called to be. I got a very
specific message from God one day, that said “God’s grace is enough to fix a friendship even when one of those
hearts doesn’t know it needs to be changed.” I know my heart needs changing. It not easy to admit or submit to; but I am
willing. God’s grace will cover the
rest. This tells me I don’t need an
escape plan; I need a pest control plan which is clearly laid out for me in God’s
Word. The season is difficult, but I’ve
learned:
- if I don’t admit I’m lost and submit, I can’t be saved.
- Friendships, like any other relationship worth having needs to be tested to see if it is real. If not, I have to let it go. It is not one I should have in my life anyway.
- I have to stop relying on emotions, the disorders I have, other people and wanting to please them. I have to follow Jesus. He will show me who I am to befriend, confide in, and invite into my heart. When the time is right, it will all make sense and be worth the journey.
Let’s
Pray
~~ Dear God ~~ Thank you for the dark times, because without them
I would not realize how beautiful the Light really is. Jesus came and died for me so that I wouldn’t
have to worry about following escape plans or pest control programs. Please help me to let go of pain and trust
that Jesus will never let me down. In
Jesus name, AMEN.
Now
It’s Your Turn
Thoughts? Questions? Want to share your story? Ask for prayer? Please consider sharing here in the comments section; even if
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